


Don't Try to Wake Me In the Morning, Because I Will Be Gone

by evol_love



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smoking, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 13:46:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evol_love/pseuds/evol_love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year before Todd Anderson arrives at Welton, Charlie and Neil try to work through the hurdles of their affection for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Try to Wake Me In the Morning, Because I Will Be Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place the school year before Dead Poets Society takes place, so no Todd. Neil and Charlie are roomies. The title comes from the song "Asleep" by The Smiths. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> UPDATE: edited July 1, 2013

At first their relationship is easy. Charlie laughs when he kisses Neil, and Neil laughs too, his hands resting lightly on Charlie's hips and holding the other boy against him. They don't tell the others, but they all know. They're quiet about it though, and never speak of it amongst themselves, because if Neil and Charlie won't tell them, there must be a reason. Neil and Charlie know everyone knows, but they leave it unspoken. They're happier this way, holding hands and feeling that for once maybe life is going their way. Neil ruffles Charlie's hair fondly and Charlie smiles back in that soft, secret way that Neil loves so much. 

“What are you going to do if your dad finds out?" Charlie murmurs one night into Neil's shoulder, clutching the boy beside him and snuggling against his chest. 

“He's not going to find out," Neil replies simply. He says it definitely, as if there are no other options. And Charlie knows there aren't, because the alternative is too gloomy to think about. 

"Say he does." Charlie pulls away from Neil's body, takes a step back, looks at him seriously. "Then what happens?"

"Charlie," Neil sighs, looking away from him, and that's all the answer Charlie needs. 

He's known this isn't a permanent thing, that it couldn't possibly be a permanent thing for either of them ever. Not with their families. Still, speaking of it makes it too real, and Charlie is silent. 

"Come here," Neil says, softer now. Charlie obliges, falling back into his arms on Neil's bed. They lay that way through the night. When Neil is awake, he strokes Charlie's hair with one hand, his other holding Charlie's, rubbing circles on the back of his hand with his thumb absentmindedly. 

When Neil is asleep, he releases his grip on Charlie subconsciously. It feels like an omen.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
They still don't speak of the relationship, but after a few months, they aren't so hidden, and the boys actually see them _kiss_ a few times, to their amusement and horror. Knox makes a few comments about love screwing up their heads, but it's all in good fun. Everyone relaxes a little. One memorable night, Charlie spends the boys' usual study session in Neil's lap. Steven and Gerard make gagging faces at each other, but they don't mean it, and everyone knows it. Truthfully, everyone is happy to see them happy; Neil is usually so mopey with his father looming over him. 

"'M tired," Charlie grumbles finally, burying his face in Neil's shoulder. 

"All right. Bye, guys." Neil waves a quick goodbye in his friends' general direction and half-pushes, half-pulls Charlie to the room they share. He thinks he hears one of them wolf-whistle behind him, but he just shakes his head, a faint grin on his face. 

Charlie pulls of his shoes and strips down to his boxers, climbing into his own bed tonight. That's okay. He does that sometimes. Neil isn't too bothered by it. 

Okay, he's a little bothered by it. But whatever. He isn't clingy. He undresses too and crawls under his own covers. 

"Good night Charlie," he says softly. 

"Good night Neil," Charlie mumbles, already drifting to sleep.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
When Neil wakes up in the morning and forces himself to get out of bed and face the day, he sees Charlie's bed is empty. Also not an abnormal occurrence. He's probably having his morning cigarette. Neil hates it when Charlie smokes. It's one of the few things they fight about. 

Sure enough, when Neil is dressed and walking down the hall towards breakfast, Charlie is hanging out a window, blowing smoke into the wind. 

"Will you stop that?" Neil asks, annoyed, but mostly happy to see him. 

Charlie turns to face him and smirks. "No." He goes back to his cigarette. 

Neil wrinkles his nose. "I hate the smell."

"That's too bad," Charlie says lightly, snuffing the cigarette and kissing Neil. Neil coughs and Charlie chuckles. "Baby," he teases, punching Neil's arm. 

"Just because I don't put that crap in my lungs..." Neil trails off. Charlie isn't listening, and he wouldn't have cared anyway even if he _was_ listening. 

"Don't want to be late," Charlie mutters witheringly. He takes Neil's hand and steers him down the hall to their first class. They know it's risky to do much of anything in the hall, what with Neil's father lurking about waiting for Neil to mess up again, but they pretend they're rebellious enough not to care. Charlie smooths his thumb over Neil's knuckles, smiling privately at the little flush this raises in his cheeks.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Charlie pins Neil against the wall of their room the second Neil locks the door, needy and hungry now. Neil kisses him back feverishly, dazed by his fortune. Charlie scrambles urgently at Neil's sweater, tugging it up off of his body frantically. 

"Show you mine if you show me yours," Neil murmurs lightly through his teeth when Charlie's hands begin undoing his zipper. Charlie just groans something unintelligible and works Neil's pants off his legs. Charlie yanks off his own pants quickly, palming Neil through his boxers. Charlie's kissing Neil intently, suddenly, yanking Neil's underwear down around his ankles. 

"Fuck," Charlie curses suddenly.

"Hmm?"

"Lube," he mumbles. He hates interruptions. Neil reaches up and strokes his cheek. 

"Shh. Why don't we do this another time, anyway."

Charlie sighs. Neil's been cockblocking him a lot lately and convincing him to cuddle instead. It's mostly annoying, but it's nice to have Neil's warm body pressed against his one way or the other, so he doesn't complain too much. He nips at Neil's earlobe and takes him to bed, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face once more in Neil's comfortable shoulder. 

"Love you," Neil whispers, almost to himself. 

Charlie grunts and nestles deeper into his shoulder blade. He can't see it, but Neil frowns in the dark.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"Will you put that damn thing out?" Neil snaps, and, okay, he's mad now. It's bad enough when Charlie smokes, does he have to do it where Neil sleeps?

"Just lit up. Seems a waste."

"Charlie, please quit smoking."

"Okay." Charlie smashes the cigarette into the ashtray he keeps on his desk, despite Neil's protests.

Neil blinks. It couldn't really be that easy to get Charlie to quit smoking. He has an addiction. Neil knows that, and so does Charlie. And Charlie doesn't want to quit, because it pisses his parents off. It couldn't be that simple. Neil eyes him suspiciously.

"I've asked you to quit dozens of times. Why is now special?"

Charlie shrugged. "It's getting sort of boring," he sighs. Neil doesn't really believe him, but he wants to, so he leaves it.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Charlie lights up a new cigarette once Neil leaves. He knows Neil will smell the smoke later, but he doesn't care. It's not his business.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"So you lied," Neil says simply.

"I didn't lie. It _is_ boring. I just haven't given it up."

"I don't want your technicalities, Charlie!" Neil says, his volume rising.

"What do you care? They're _my_ lungs."

"I care about you, Charlie! And your lungs are definitely an important part of you. I know it's hard to imagine someone actually caring about you and your well-being, since you seem to be incapable of it." He's yelling now. And he knows what he's saying is horrible, but he's glad for it. He _wants_ to hurt Charlie, to pain him the way he's been paining Neil for so long.

"That's what this is about? You're pathetic. And taking it out on my cigarettes?" Charlie holds his lone pack of cigarettes in his left hand. Neil snatches it and tosses it in the trashcan.

" _Stop!_ " Neil practically begs. "I'm so fucking sick of your attitude, thinking you can just do whatever the hell you want without listening to me."

"Who isn't listening?" Charlie scoffs, grabbing the pack of cigarettes out of the trash. "I love you! No, I **HATE** you! I just-" Charlie cuts himself off with a growl. Neil has never seen him so angry or so unable to speak. "Just get the fuck away from me. Get out. I can't deal with you." And even though he'd told Neil to leave, Charlie is the one who storms out, slamming the door with a force that should've cracked it. 

When he's out of the room, he sees that all the boys had poked their heads out of their rooms at the sound of the fight.

"What the hell are you looking at?" he snaps. 

As he walks to the end of the hall, he hears the whisper, "Did they just break up?" followed by "It was too good to last."  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Charlie sulks for hours in empty halls and bathrooms and anywhere he can be alone, until Knox finds him.

"Hey. You can go back to your room for the night, and sleep, or whatever," he says awkwardly, shuffling his feet. "Neil moved in with me."

"Did he, now?" Charlie says flatly, his tone horribly bitter.

"Yeah."

They are both silent. 

"Thanks, Knox," Charlie says finally, walking out of the room before he can reply. He mutters and swears under his breath the whole trip back to his room. 

He pauses in the doorway, because the sight is so horrible. All of Neil's things are gone. Absolutely everything. Every last bit of clothing, all his books, his papers, all of his personal things. There isn't a trace of him.

Knox coughs, suddenly embarrassed about the whole thing. "So...you two...broke up?" he asks timidly, the first time anyone has spoken of the relationship to Charlie.

"I guess so."

"I'm really sorry, Charlie."

"Thanks," he sighs. Knox leaves and closes the door behind him. 

And that's when Charlie curls up in Neil's bed and fucking cries like a child because he just doesn't know what else to do.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
This arrangement lasts a week. All the boys are tense and miserable, watching as Neil and Charlie avoid eye contact and never speak to one another. Could they really be the same two boys that had held each other so comfortably in study hall only a few weeks ago?

"We need to fix this," Gerard says one day as the boys huddle around a table. 

"They're just being idiots." Steven adds.

"What should we do?"

"We can only try. They're the ones that have to do the work."

Gerard nods grimly.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
That conversation is what leads to the boys tricking Neil and Charlie into coming to study hall that night. Gerard had begged Neil to help with Latin, and Steven had just told Charlie he needed to get the hell out of his lonely dorm. 

They glare at each other when they realize they've been fooled into meeting up.

"I'm out of here, you bastards," Charlie starts, elbowing towards the door. Knox grabs his shoulders, turns him back around, and pushes him towards the table.

"You two are being _children_ ." 

Neil sulks and pouts impressively, but he sits down at the table, arms folded. 

Everyone sits down. 

"All right. So what the hell happened between you two?" Gerard begins.

"Are we seriously going to fucking sit around a table and discuss my issues?" Charlie asks poisonously. Neil winces.

"Yes," Gerard replies easily. 

Charlie groans. "Let's get this over with. I banged Neil. Neil told me not to smoke. I smoked. Everything went to shit. The end."

"That's _not_ what happened," Neil says harshly. "I asked you not to smoke lots of times. You said you would stop this time. And you lied."

"You said I wasn't capable of emotions!"

"You said you hated me!"

"Right after I said 'I love you!'"

"You..never.." Neil trails off. He looks slightly confused. "You never said that. Not even after I said it. _Especially_ not after I said it," he says, much softer, stepping closer to Charlie.

"I said it then."

They're both very quiet, watching each other. 

"Why didn't you ever say it back?"

"It felt too real. Too...look, I know it's hard to believe, but I really didn't want to fuck this up," Charlie half-laughs, and Neil gives him a small smile in return. Gerard grins; It's working.

"So..."

"I _did_ care. Too much."

"You showed it too little," Neil says ruefully. 

"I don't know why I held myself back, I just...did."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry t-" Neil cuts him off with a swift peck, blushing slightly when he remembers the other boys are still in the room. Charlie laughs into the kiss and Neil laughs back. 

"Let's say we talk about this some more. Somewhere else?" 

"I have an incredibly lonely bedroom."

"Perfect." 

They leave the room and the boys can tell they are doing everything they can to keep their hands off each other until they are out of view. Gerard lets out a whoop and punches the air.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"I love you, I love you, I love you," Charlie repeats over and over, kissing Neil between declarations, winding his hands in Neil's hair and feeling as though an enormous weight has been lifted off his chest.

"I like this," Neil says. "It's almost worth the fighting."

"I don't want to do that fighting part again. But I like this." He smiles and pushes his tongue into Neil's mouth, unable to get enough of the boy beneath him. He kisses him like he's dying, like he needs Neil to survive. And he does. He can't imagine a life that Neil isn't a part of. 

"Say it again," Neil asks.

"I love you," Charlie obliges, feeling happier than he had even in the last few weeks of his and Neil's relationship. 

"I will never get tired of hearing you saying that."

It feels very permanent, this 'I love you' business. For a moment Charlie is tense again, unsure if he should put himself through this again. He's pretty sure they won't survive another fight like this. Charlie certainly can't do that to himself again. But he needs this, needs Neil the way he needs to breathe, and it's hopeless. It's far too late to change his mind about Neil. He's stuck with the bastard. And frankly, Charlie thinks sleepily, he'd be miserable any other way. 

He pulls Neil into another adoring kiss, Neil stroking Charlie's hair, and everything feels the way it did before. But not quite the same, no, better, because Charlie isn't terrified of this and all it means anymore. He's happy. 

Yes. He's happy.


End file.
